Today marks my third "last chemotherapy" anniversary, and it seems fitting to finally post an entry to update you, my biggest cheerleaders.
I've been quite reflective lately, and yet, I've struggled to find the words to articulate my experiences over the last three years authentically. Surviving cancer was just the beginning. Life after treatment has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, challenges, and victories, and I hope this entry can shed some light on this often-unspoken phase of the journey.
My New Normal
As I emerged from the whirlwind of cancer treatment, I expected life to revert to what it was before my diagnosis. I somehow thought I'd return to my pre-cancer self as if time stood still. However, I realized that "normal" would never be the same. Adjusting to my "new normal" is both unsettling and empowering. Physically, my body bears the marks of treatments—the port scar under my left clavicle...the extensive scars across the manufactured breasts (that were sutured and reopened FOUR times)...the long scar around my waist from the failed DIEP flap...the keloid scar along my right back from the lat flap...countless needle and IV puncture scars along my left arm, hand, and foot. My body looks like a battlefield, yet emotionally, I am discovering a newfound strength I didn't know existed.
Lingering Effects: Post-cancer survivorship has come with its set of unique challenges. The treatments that saved my life and kept my cancer from returning (Aromatase Inhibitor-Anastrozole) also left their imprints on my body. From persistent fatigue to joint pains and the dreaded brain fog, it is a constant battle. Accepting these lingering effects and finding ways to manage them daily has become crucial to my journey.
Coping with Emotional Struggles: The fear of recurrence and the feeling of isolation are constant companions. At times, it's challenging to articulate the depth of these emotions to others. Keeping "How are you" answers with a simple "Good! Happy to be alive!" rather than detailing my daily pain is easier.
Redefining Self-Image: Facing the changes in my body post-cancer is not easy. I've had to reintroduce myself to my reflection in the mirror. The physical scars and alterations challenge my self-confidence. Along with the effects of aging and menopause, I often question my feminity. Each scar and lingering symptom tells a story of my walk of survival. I've always believed that beauty lies in resilience and embracing one's uniqueness. With this thought, I am trying to love and accept myself again.
Rebuilding Social Connections: Returning to my social circle after cancer treatment was both comforting and daunting. While I yearned for the sense of normalcy of being around others, I also grappled with the fear of being judged or misunderstood. Gradually, I found that true friends and family understand the importance of simply being there without needing to fix everything.
The Power of fellow survivors: One of the most significant revelations in my post-cancer journey has been the strength and camaraderie with fellow survivors. These connections with survivors have provided a safe space to share my experiences, fears, and triumphs with those who truly understand. This community has been my lifeline and reminds me that I am not alone.
Breast cancer survivorship is not the end of the road; it's a continuation of the insane journey I embarked on when I first faced my diagnosis. While there are days filled with challenges, there are also days filled with joy, hope, and gratitude. Embracing life after cancer is about acknowledging my visible and hidden scars and finding the strength to live life on my terms. My hope is to become the best example of survivorship and a beacon of hope to others walking a similar path. This means thriving and cherishing every moment of this beautiful and precious life, even the hardships that continue to season my unique story.