Hello friends! It's been over a year since I posted an update. I started this entry in November 2021, eager to leave all the mishaps and misfortunes of 2020 and 2021 behind me. In my pursuit for the uneventful, 2022 came and went. I got so busy living that the words I wanted to express left my heart, and this entry remained unfinished. Now, I'm back and ready to share.
The reconstruction phase, which started in the fall of 2021, was supposed to mark the beginning of my restoration. However, when the Diep flap failed and I experienced post-surgery complications, it was a rough end to an already difficult year. It was a depressing reminder that cancer had taken away so much; My breasts, my ovaries, my uterus, and my thick black head of hair. These parts that made me feel like a woman were stripped away by breast cancer treatment and my body couldn't even do its part in getting me back together. The experience was humbling, and I accepted that the changes would not happen overnight. I've had several revision surgeries since then, and each subsequent surgery has put a pause on my life. I couldn't work. Surgery interrupted travel plans and celebrations. The recovery period kept me inactive for months (something I'm not used to!) Between the unfinished reconstruction, my menopausal body changes, to the scars that line my body, it hasn't been a pretty journey. I'm still uncomfortable in this post-cancer body.
From day one, my plastic surgeon told me reconstruction could be a process of several surgeries. I was hoping for less, and at the same time, I still trusted her. We've been through a lot together over the past two and half years. She knows my insides better than anyone. I appreciate that she doesn't tell me what she wants to do to make things "look better." Each step of the way, she asked me about my thoughts. At first, I said very little. I was honestly just glad that she made something out of nothing! Over time, after looking at my scars daily and analyzing my profile angles (all of which still look foreign to me), I began to have an image of what I wanted. I don't desire perfection; I just want to feel and look a little more like myself before cancer.
For the rest of 2023, I want some normalcy. By the time this is posted, I will be recovering from what I hope to be my last surgery. It will be my 3rd revision surgery and the 7th surgery since my double mastectomy. The time is now; I hope we get it right!I will do my part and take the necessary time to heal. The scars will finally have the opportunity to fade, and my life will go on. Have a great week everyone. I'll be back. -Jaide