Every day, since that first day I discovered my lump, my time has revolved around my cancer. From the numerous doctor appointments, blood draws, and procedures to rearranging the family schedule to accommodate it all..it has taken up a lot of our time. The one non-medical appointment I had this past week, I canceled last minute so that I could see my oncologist. Part of me wants to say "Just screw it. Let's forget I have cancer and go back to our 'regular' programming." Back to mom duties. Back to work. Back to blissfully being unaware of cancer. Oh, how I wish. Life was so different before all this. I was in a good place. I found balance and peace. My heart had come to a place of being boldly vulnerable, letting go and honoring life with a heart of gratitude. Although I still carry that with me now, there are times when cancer and all the things involved, can cast a dark shadow. It's that place that breeds my worries and fears. So please excuse me as I take a moment to whine...
As I approach Chemo #1 of 16 infusions, the thoughts that cross my mind are 1) Am I strong enough to get through chemotherapy? 2) Will I lose my will because I feel so miserable from it? 3) How will I really feel when I lose all my hair? 4) How will my family feel as they watch me whining like a big wimp? Yes, I'm sad. I'm also very worried that I'll go through this all and the results aren't what we want. What if it doesn't work? I want more time to be me. The Jaide that feels strong, healthy and vibrant. I want to be able to recognize myself at the end of all of this. What if I don't?
Most of you all know I'm not one for solo selfies. This photo was taken by my husband the day after I found out my surgery was postponed and that I needed chemotherapy. I asked him to take my photo. For some reason, I wanted to commemorate the moment. I decided that morning that I would curl my hair because I will likely miss doing so in the coming weeks as I gradually lose what is left of it. My Nurse Sindhu told me that the hair loss would begin anywhere between 14-21 days after my first chemo infusion. This was supposed to be the year that I had planned on growing it out too. Sigh. I think I will shave it all off at week three. I'll be bold with the bald, I promise. I will rock it with my bright red lipstick and big earrings. But for now, I'll take what I can with the time I have left.