Just hair

According to https://www.breastcancer.org/tips/hair_skin_nails/hair_loss

"Hair loss occurs because chemotherapy targets all rapidly dividing cells—healthy cells as well as cancer cells. Hair follicles, the structures in the skin filled with tiny blood vessels that make hair, are some of the fastest-growing cells in the body. If you're not in cancer treatment, your hair follicles divide every 23 to 72 hours. But as the chemo does its work against cancer cells, it also destroys hair cells. Within a few weeks of starting chemo, you may lose some or all of your hair."

It's starting. My hair feels like straw. It's brittle between my fingers and I feel the strands pulling away from my scalp. My hair follicles ache or is it my scalp that aches? I ask myself, "Is that even possible?" I tug on a few other strands to check and the grey ones still hang on strong (I wish those wouldn't.) I'm afraid to lose more hair, so I gently run my fingers through it once and I tuck it all underneath my beanie. Despite our recent warmer days, my head has been cold. My satin-lined beanie brings me comfort and security. I've worn it every day since my first chemo infusion. Next, my hair will probably start to fall out in patches leaving scalp areas exposed like mini crop circles. I imagine gobs of my hair everywhere. My pillow. My floors. My carpet. The inside of my beanie. I am repulsed at the thought. I am also frightened. Adriamycin is doing its job killing the cancer cells while also killing my healthy cells. I feel relieved and betrayed at the same time.

Okay, so I'm ready to let this hair go. It doesn't even feel like mine anymore. I thought I'd wait for the two-week mark but it feels like the time is now. Time for a shave. Its just hair, right? "I am not this hair. I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within." -Rumi

Let's do it.