It's hard to believe that it was this month, last year, that I started this breast cancer ride. I spent my New Year's Eve getting a breast tissue biopsy. The start of 2020 was all about coming to terms with my cancer diagnosis and the intense treatment I was about to face. What initially was going to be a quick turn around ended up being eleven months of active treatment!
Valentine's day marked the start of six months of chemotherapy. I had "chemo dates" throughout my spring and summer calendar. After I built up my post-chemo immune system to an acceptable level, I topped off the summer season with a double mastectomy followed by an axillary lymph node dissection. From October to November, I started and completed 30 radiation treatments. Then this month, I faced my LAST surgery of the year. We found out early that estrogen and progesterone fed my breast cancer, so it was time to say goodbye to my hormone-making-ova-producing ovaries along with both tubes and my uterus. I have literally spent ALL four seasons of this year undergoing treatment! 2020, I'm so over you! Anyone else?
I know I'm not alone in my difficulties with this year. We've all struggled somehow as a result of COVID-19. Yes, facing breast cancer during a global pandemic has been insane, but it's all I've known. I obviously can't compare it to anything else, but I did ask (a lot), "can ANYTHING good come out of this?" I cried this question out when I first felt the lump in my breast. I asked it again during the hazy "post-chemo days" in my waves of nausea. I asked when I had my back to back surgeries and wondered again when the entire skin on my chest burned after my 25th radiation treatment. The morning of my hysterectomy, I nervously asked again, "Can ANYTHING good come out of this?" I must have asked because I was yearning for something more. It must've been my way of not giving up because I was somehow propelled back up, then forward every time I asked. I questioned, believing that there would be a good answer waiting for me at some point, even in my darkest moments. I have to give it to God for continuing to provide me with a spirit of hope. It certainly wasn't out of my own strength and will!
As a nurse-midwife (& mother), I can't help but look at this year as that crazy transition phase of childbirth. You know, that 7-10 cm cervical dilation stage where the mother-to-be feels like she is losing it, going out of her mind and body. It's the pained wild-eyed look that a patient gives me, begging me to provide them with relief, "to take the pain away, to make it all stop! It doesn't stop, though. During my treatments, I was that woman, wild-eyed, afraid, and strapped into the cancer treatment ride. Labor is intense, but it does lead to something beautiful. It leads to birth. In the uncertainty, pain, fear, and physical demands of this year, I birthed revelation, resilience, and even more gratitude.
My revelation "I've got issues."
Even at 47, I'm still battling, and breast cancer isn't the only thing. I'm not perfect. While faced with my mortality, I had to ask myself lots of questions. What kind of life have I lead so far? What legacy do I want to leave behind? What issues hold me back from fulfilling my life purpose? Is there anything keeping me from living fully in my relationships? Is avoiding that "one thing" keeping me from overcoming? Is it keeping me from healing or growing?
I don't just want to survive breast cancer and go back to the way things were. I want to live a balanced life. I want to approach each day with gratitude and intention. I want to find my purpose in the places I'm put and not let the yearning to be somewhere else keep me from being present. I want to honor my body by keeping it healthy! I want to be strong! I also want to take the necessary time to be still and rest. I want to continue to grow spiritually and love on people better. I want to thrive in each new day that is gifted to me.
My refinement
Breast cancer treatment is no joke. It's physical. It's mental. It's emotional. Breast cancer broke me but not just physically, mentally, or emotionally. Going through breast cancer treatment forced me to chip away and break my bad habits and negative thought process. Cancer refined the rough edges that remained and made me more resilient. Believe it or not, I laugh more. I give myself grace for my imperfect days, and I am reminded to give others a break. We all have a struggle. These days, I am unphased by most things. Life is too short, and I thank God I am not the same person I was 12 months ago.
My gratitude
I now have eyes that easily see the blessings that surround me. I'm thankful for my family. Their smiles keep me going even when I haven't felt my best. Chemotherapy, multiple surgeries, and radiation burns suck, but I'd do it all over again. For them, it's all worth it. Thank you to my husband for being my partner in all of this. Even in your periods of internalizing your worry, you continue to be doting, loving, and patient. I couldn't do any of this without you. You are my strength, and you know just how to take care of my heart. The way you love me is perfect. I want to thank my children for loving their mama in their special way. Whether it's a hug, a prayer, checking in on me, or bringing me ice cream when I least expect it--it's all love to me! They are so resilient and strong. I am amazed and how they have really stepped up their game. They've worked hard to keep our house in order, do their chores, cook a meal here and there, and, more importantly, take care of each other. I have loved watching them grow during this challenging season.
Thank you to my mom, dad, and my in-laws (yes, I am that lucky!) who have taken on the role of parenting our kids when I couldn't be there due to appointments and procedures. You have always been a source of support in all ways. Thanks to you, our children continue to have routine and normalcy, not to mention love.
Thank you to my sisters for being my best friends. You were the first ones I told, and you helped me stay calm. You encouraged me to celebrate the small and big things. You reminded me to fight, to be strong, and to rest. You also understand how I run my household and love my kids as much as I do. Because of that, you have no problem jumping in when needed. That has given me such peace of mind.
I also have a big extended family. HUGE. Many of them have reached out to send me their prayers, best wishes, thoughts, and love. I haven't talked to some in years, but through this season, I am reminded that family is family, and there is always love between us. We have so many shared childhood memories of growing up together. Those times forever shaped our idea of family, what legacies to leave behind, and what to proudly continue.
Then there's my tribe of girlfriends. I have been blessed by solid friendship in every stage of my life, from the bestie I met in vacation bible school when I was nine, the high school bestie, the college besties, and onto the fabulous women I met during these middle-age years. These women know me through and through and are extravagantly generous with their time, resources, love, and grace. Thank you to my dear girlfriends and sisters that cried and worried along with me during my many times of uncertainty. I was literally "wined, whiskey'd and dined" by them to keep my mind off of things. They gave me a reason to laugh, sing along to my favorite musicals, and swoon over our favorite Korean-dramas! It has been therapeutic! Thank you for driving me to and from appointments, for gifting me with sweet surprises on my doorstep, spontaneous coffee dates, late-night visits, and getaways.
In my nearly two decades as a Nurse Midwife, I've worked in many places and still keep in touch with those colleagues that helped me grow into the Nurse-Midwife I am today. My work family is who I spent many nights, holidays, and weekends working and experiencing the beauty and chaos of birth. Teamwork and our late nights deliriously laughing together created deep friendships and mutual respect. My extended work family has been nothing but AMAZING! Because I am an introvert, it would've been easy for me to keep everything under the radar and sneak away for a leave of absence. But working in a clinic and hospital filled with caregivers, Labor & Delivery Nurses, Nurse-Midwives, and OB/GYNs--I also had access to a wealth of information and support. It was their guidance, encouragement, and knowledge that got me the timely and quality medical care I needed. They have showered me with carefully thought out gifts for each phase of my cancer treatment and continue to support me in all ways. I'm so grateful.
It has been one long road. I feel like I have traveled far in the realm of cancer treatment.
I know the journey doesn't end here. Ask any cancer patient, and they will say the same, the fear of recurrence is always there. There are also constant reminders of cancer. The after-effects of treatment continue to linger in my body, the battle scars are evident, and I physically will never be the same! While on my healing journey, it has been easy to get consumed by what my body has experienced. I want to move through this with positivity, grace, and light. 2020, I surrender to you, and with a hopeful heart, I welcome 2021 and all it has to offer.
Thank you for being alongside me this year and for blowing me away with support, love, and encouragement. Much love-J