Cancer. Covid-19. Canceled.
The three words that pretty much sum up the last two years.
Who got breast CANCER treatment during a global pandemic? That would be me.
COVID-19? Yes, add that to my list of misfortunes. I'm vaccinated, and I got it (damn you, delta variant!) But hey, there's always that silver lining, right? At least I didn't get COVID-19 during chemotherapy (when I was immunosuppressed.) It could have been worse. At least my symptoms were mild. It could have been worse. I got through it unscathed. I kept telling myself, "At least reconstruction is just around the corner; you will be able to put ALL l this behind you!"
September was going to be THE month I was to complete my post-double mastectomy breast reconstruction. As a breast cancer survivor, the DIEP FLAP surgery signified my physical restoration after the physical demolition I experienced in 2020 and 2021.
Chemotherapy. A stomach ulcer. Double Mastectomy. Axillary lymph node removal. Thirty radiation treatments. Hysterectomy/Oopherectomy surgery. Ooh- sprinkle in a little summer sepsis and an infected breast tissue expander. Yes, you counted right. FOUR surgeries in ten months. Then to top it off, a bout of Covid-19! Oh, joy! Put me back together, please!
DIEP FLAP | A type of breast reconstruction in which blood vessels called deep inferior epigastric perforators (DIEP), and the skin and fat connected to them are removed from the lower abdomen and used for reconstruction. Muscle is left in place.
Things can't get worse in 2021, right?
Why yes, it can, because my highly anticipated reconstruction surgery was CANCELED!! Yes, CANCELED with no rescheduled date in sight.
Cancer. Covid-19. Canceled.
I'm one of those early packers that has her suitcase out 2 weeks before her trip. It'll be no surprise to you then that I have spent the last nine months preparing for this reconstruction phase. I meticulously rearranged my work and family schedules, so the timing was least disruptive for my colleagues and children. I worked on staying healthy and getting physically stronger for the anticipated 8 weeks of recovery. I consulted other survivors about the healing process and gathered supplies. My surgery was scheduled for September 25. As I was prepping the house for my return and packing my hospital bag this past week, I felt excited and relieved. I was fast approaching the end of a long and exhausting 2-year race. My mental game was strong. I was motivated and optimistic.This past year, the momentum from those feelings kept my tired body and spirit moving. I was propelled towards that destination, my redemption, my reconstruction surgery. Despite the summer setbacks, it was so close. I imagined myself breaking through that finish line banner with my hands up in the air, "I am done!" I was finally going to break away. Start fresh.
Burst bubble.
I got that dreaded call. "I'm sorry, we have to cancel your surgery....given the covid cases are on the rise, your surgery is considered elective, and we have to take you off the schedule. Likely for the rest of the year." Wait, what? WHAAT?!
Give me a moment to whine... I don't want to wait another six months. I've been waiting for a year. I can't imagine going into 2022 with my body like this! I am sick of this uncomfortable left tissue expander. I'm tired of being lopsided and mutilated. Yes, yes..okay...okay...I am so grateful to be alive and free of cancer. Beyond the physical aspects of being a fresh cancer survivor, COVID-19 and all the issues behind my surgery being CANCELED are reminders of what I went through, what I lost, and, more importantly, what is still unfinished. As soon as I got off the phone with the scheduler, I cried like a baby for two hours. The weight of the events from the last year and a half hit me like a ton of bricks. My finish line was pulling further and further from my view. I was devastated.
It is was it is. COVID is real. It can be devastating to those affected and disruptive to those in the periphery. Because of it, I had to go through all of my appointments and cancer treatments without support. This year, COVID has kept me from having my surgery. It's hard to move on, and I don't know how to spin this in a positive way. Perhaps there is no definitive finish line for my "cancer journey." Maybe my life isn't about the big finish or the fresh start. Maybe my finish line is getting through today. The next finish line could be me coming to peace with the body I am left with post-cancer treatment. I really don't know? It is tough to see past the cloud of my disappointment right now. Then again, I'm reminded of how I felt when I started this whole thing in January of 2020. Somehow, I got through that, and somehow, I'll get through waiting another six months or more to complete this next phase. God willing, things will all fall into place at the right time.
Maybe some of you have some words of encouragement. Show me the light and positivity that I can't see? I'd love to hear from you.-J